Hogwarts Butter School
by DrinkCocoa
Summary: Harry arrives at Hogwarts to start his first year of magical education. However, during the welcoming speech, the Headmaster announces that Hogwarts will now be a Butter School. Just what exactly does he mean? Is he truly mad, like Ron's brothers always told him? Or is it all an act of the greatest wizard alive? And if it is an act, just what exactly is the Headmaster planning?


"Welcome to Hogwarts Butter School!" said Dumbledore and smiled.

The students and the professors looked confused.

"What is he talking about?" whispered Minerva. "Butter?"

The Headmaster nodded happily. "That's right everyone, Butter!"

"Fred and George always told me he was mad but I thought they were joking," said Ron Weasley.

Harry nodded but Hermione looked a bit irritated. "He can't be mad, he's the greatest wizard alive," she whispered.

Ron sighed. "Then why is he talking about butter?"

Dumbledore was silent for a moment, seemingly lost in thought.

When he started talking again, all of the whispers died down. "During the summer I did a bit of travelling, you see," he said.

"And during my travels, I found myself greatly appreciating various kinds of butter," he continued to the sighs and raised eyebrows of the other professors.

"This is why I decided to reform Hogwarts into Butter School. I'll be teaching you all how to make and appreciate this delicious product."

Some of the Hufflepuff students clapped politely but the others were just too shocked to do anything.

Fred and George looked at each other. "Brother, is professor Dumbledore pranking us?" one of them asked.

Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy looked disgusted. "I knew I should've gone to Durmstrang," he said and other Slytherins nodded.

However, Dumbledore wasn't done with his speech. "Oh, and before I forget," he said, "all the professors are fired. I'll be teaching every class myself as to make sure no butter is wasted by incompetent teaching."

Now, everyone looked stunned. Even Snape had something resembling surprise visible on his ugly face.

However, it was the newest Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher who finally spoke up. "No, you can't fire me!" he said panicking.

Dumbledore looked at Quirrell, seemingly politely interested. "And why is that, my boy?" he asked.

"You can't fire me Dumbledore, not after everything I went through just to get here," he pleaded.

Dumbledore only smiled. Then, a second voice seemed to speak through Quirrell, although his mouth never opened.

"Kill the old fool! Kill him and get the stone!" it yelled with an unnatural, high-pitched voice.

Quirrell tried to take out his wand, but it jumped out of his hand, straight into Dumbledore's palm.

The Headmaster nodded as if he just confirmed something. "Tut, tut, Tom. Possessing the weak, just as I suspected."

Dumbledore stunned Quirrell and a black mist seemed to escape the unconscious man. The Headmaster eyed it curiously as it fled out of the Great Hall.

Everyone was speechless. Finally, Minerva said what everyone else wanted to say. "Albus, could you please tell us just what the fuck is going on?"

As the students were too shocked to laugh at the use of a curse word by the old professor, they just stared at the Headmaster, expecting an answer.

Dumbledore stood before them all and started speaking again. "For some time now, I had suspected that professor Quirrell was being possessed by an evil spirit. As it turns out, I was right. However, not to worry, the evil spirit is now gone and the professor is himself once more," he said and made a short break in his speech.

The professors looked relieved and Snape seemed impressed by the Headmaster's ploy. Most of the students looked just as impressed and some of them were cheering loudly.

"See guys, I told you he isn't mad! It was all an act!" said Hermione happily and joined the cheering Gryffindors.

Ron seemed to agree. "Huh, I guess he is pretty damn smart, isn't he?" he asked out loud.

When the cheering quieted down, the Headmaster was ready to continue. "And as that business is now dealt with, I can fire you all without any regrets!" he said, stunning everyone yet again. "That's right children! The first term of Hogwarts Butter School begins now, and you are all fired!" he added while looking at the other professors.

"Deal with it," he finished his speech and put on a pair of sunglasses.


End file.
